the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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