If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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