he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
