if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
