I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
