She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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