yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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