I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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