i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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