Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Randomize
