Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
