Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
