I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
