do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
