i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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