guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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