The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
