I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
