chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
