im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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