if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
