First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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