Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
