I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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