I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
