im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
