It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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