you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
