apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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