this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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