i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
