I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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