Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
