The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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