At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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