tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
