So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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