I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
