im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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