The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
