I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
