Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
