I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
