the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
