he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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