someone threw a dead crab at me
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
