wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
