i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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