My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
