My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
