quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
