omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just pee around me
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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