Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
