ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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